When I was pregnant with my first child, an co-worker of mine told me a story. It went something like this:
My friend just had a baby, and when she was at the doctor last week for the baby’s 2 month old checkup, the doctor told her that the way the baby was sucking on her pacifier indicated that she was highly intelligent. My friend left the doctor’s office and has called everyone she knows telling them how smart her baby is.
I closed my eyes, I touched my tummy, and I made a vow to this baby to never ever be like that with her.
Yesterday afternoon I was watching House Hunters with this now 11-year-old baby when a Buick commercial came on. It went something like this:
Sad, depressed looking, long hair teenager sits at dinner table with mom and dad. The camera pans from dad, to mom, to depressed and sad teenager, to the unopened report card. Dad takes a deep breath and opens the envelope. The camera shows up the straight-A results while mom and dad do a little fist bump and finish their dinner satisfied. Son still looks sad and depressed.
I don’t understand why a doctor would tell a new mother something like this. I mean really? Predicting intelligence because a two-month-old is sucking in a certain way. I’m no developmental expert, but that doesn’t seem right.
I don’t understand how parents could ignore a sad child as long as grades are okay. It’s just so sad to me.
I support my children, I try to encourage their talents, and I am proud of them when they succeed. Their achievements are theirs alone, not mine. I don’t take ownership of them as proof that I am doing a good job. I am more proud when I see my children play on their own, engage with others, and smile and laugh than I am when they bring home good grades.
All this is on my mind today because my son’s Young Author’s book won best in his school. His sister won that same award when she was in second-grade for her book – so it’s kind of neat. I posted this happy news on Facebook Saturday when we received the letter.
One of my friends responded with something about how intelligent both kids are. I realized that it’s not really true. Their standardized test scores are not off the charts by any means. My daughter is not in her school’s challenge program nor is she in the high math class. She struggles in certain subjects. My son was in first-grade remedial reading last semester.
Both are highly creative. Both can play for hours by themselves. Both have amazing laughs and quirky personalities. I love them for who they are, I celebrate their strengths, and I don’t worry about their academic weaknesses very much. I worry more when they are sad.
I don’t know…I just like them being in my life for a bit longer. My awareness that they grow up faster than you can imagine helps me completely ignore society’s message that academic intelligence = success = happiness. I know from personal experience it’s not even a little true.
They will be grown and gone soon enough, but not today. Hooray for that!
