Rabid Stress

It’s hard when you are recovering from something – to remember to relax.  I’m getting frustrated with the pace of my latest concussion recovery.

It’s been over 2 weeks, and I really am ready to be all better now.

While I am doing a lot more, I cannot make it past 4 p.m. without a nap.  Like – literally – around 3:45 I start to get shaky.  It’s so frustrating!

Today is my little boy’s first baseball game – at 6 p.m.  I know I need to really take it easy so I can be up at 4 p.m. since we need to eat at 5.  My hubbie has been doing everything, but I can tell it’s wearing on him too.  I feel like an invalid in some ways.  I’m afraid this is my new reality, and I don’t like it.

Or…I can look at it in a more enlightened way:

My family and I are adjusting to my new limitations pretty well.  I find it difficult to remember that I cannot do as much as I used to, and that I am still healing.

While I, of course, would love to be all better by now, I know that these things take time.  Each day I am getting better at seeing my desire for sweet accomplishment as what it really is: a rabid dog of stress disguised as a sweet puppy.

I cannot do as much as I used to, and it is neither good nor bad.  It just is.

I hope your day is peacefully calm.

Much Love,

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Mother’s Day Blessing

Orchid

First thing’s first: My MRI came out okay.  Part of my brain is like a rotten spot on a tomato – cerebral softening to be exact.  There’s nothing to do about it except remember that neuroplasticity is an area that is very exciting.  Oh and also my doctor says we just need to keep an eye on it.  Terrific.

My worst fears of: “hey – your brain is disintegrating and you have 3 months to live,” have been relieved.  Whew!

Breathing again.

And now it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow.

Right!  Back to earth.  Very good!

I’m at a loss still for words for how I feel about everything, but here is what I know for sure:

  • I am blessed to be here.
  • I am blessed, beyond measure, to have two children born alive that are still alive.  Amazing.
  • I am blessed, because both of these children are healthy – asthma be damned.
  • I am blessed to have eyes that can witness the changes I see in my daughter – becoming a woman.
  • I am blessed to have ears to listen to the exuberance for all things in my 6-year-old son.
  • I am blessed to have skin to be able to feel the touch of my hubbie as he touches me tenderly – thankful I am still here as well.
  • I am blessed to have wisdom to see the beauty beyond the stress – that is this moment in our lives.
  • I am blessed to be alive, when it seems to be a fluke that I should be here at all.
  • I am blessed to have fingers to type this.
  • I am blessed to have people around me that love and take care of me.

I send you love, peace, joy, happiness and blessings on this day.  May it be wonderful and relaxing!

Happy Mother’s Day.

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Just Waiting

This week has been weird so far.  There’s an odd energy around my house that I haven’t felt for awhile.  Everyone is tired and on edge.  The kids still know nothing, but are acting a bit different – less at ease.

It’s fear of course, and they can sense it.

I don’t know why we are scared.  We’re both pretty sure everything will be fine.  I just wish we knew.  I was hoping to hear something today, but then remembered that my doctor is not in the office on Wednesdays.

Maybe tomorrow.

I’ve been distracting myself by going out to lunch with friends, reading books,  knitting, watching TV and reading the very funny Jen at PIWTPITT.

I should be facing the fear and talking to it and doing all kind of spiritually aware healing exercises.  But, I don’t want to.  I want to punch someone in the throat too, but I don’t know who.  So, watch out if you see me.

Just kidding.  I’m not going to punch you.  Ha!

Drinking water and taking it easy and just waiting.  It will be over soon enough.

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Areas of Brain Tissue Loss…

After my graceful move on Monday resulting in a concussion, I didn’t expect to hear much else from the doctor.

However, I did get a call yesterday telling me that my CT scan from the hospital shows areas of brain tissue loss.

I’m sorry – what did you say?

You would think, since I’m an old head injury pro, that this would not phase me.  You’d be wrong – I’ve never heard this term associated with my injuries from eight years ago.  Never!  It was not mentioned once to me.

So…there are several possibilities:

  1. The CT scan was read incorrectly.  This is my husband’s theory and it may hold credence…our hospital is not the best.
  2. It’s been there all along – no one told me.
  3. It’s all from the old injury – just took a while to show up.
  4. I’m dying.
  5. Something else.

Follow up testing is in order, as well as comparing the kazillion CT scans from back then to this one.  So, more tests Monday morning and then we’ll know more.

ONTO to the problem of the moment: How to relax this weekend with the fear of #4? 

It’s a tough one for sure.

What helps the absolute most is the Buddhism.

I have a beautiful weekend to spend with my family and that’s a precious gift.  It will be wonderful.

Think I can pull it off?  I’ll let you know.  :)

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Eight Years Later

Clouds

Eight years ago this June, I was run over by a truck.  I probably talk it about way too much, but hey – it was the beginning of my more spiritual life…so thank you for putting up with my rambling on about it.

I walked out of the hospital a few days later with a skull fracture and broken tailbone.  Oh and a major concussion and insane road rash of course…run over by a truck, caught underneath and drug down the street will do that.  There were some other brain injuries that healed, but I can’t remember their names right now…because:

Monday afternoon, I was minding my own business getting into my car to go see my son’s first-grade musical thingy, when I became the picture of grace.  Somehow, I managed to hit the right side of my head on the car while getting in.  I don’t remember doing it…I just remember being in the driver’s seat and holding my head and cursing.  But, it got better in a minute or two.  So, I went off to listen to the farm animal song extravaganza.

Hubbie and I were excited about watching the new Game of Thrones episode On Demand (so we can rewind it when we can’t understand what they are saying) and so my mind shifted to getting the kids fed and to bed and such so we could do that.  I completely forgot about the car door incident.

After breakfast Tuesday morning, I felt so nauseous I had to lay down.  I still did not remember that I hit my head the day before.  It got better in about an hour, so I proceeded to go on with my day.

It wasn’t until I was putting on my moisturizer that I noticed two dents in my head.  Oh yeh…getting into the car yesterday…  Crap – I was nauseous this morning.  Better call the doctor.

Of course the doctor sent me to the ER, where they checked me out, gave me a CT scan, and sent me home with a concussion diagnosis.

For those of you who don’t remember, my tailbone has been broken since the day after Christmas.

Eight years later, albeit on a much more minor scale, I am again dealing with a broken tailbone and a concussion.  Coincidence?  It must be…but I’m not sure.  I used to believe that there are no coincidences…that it is the language of the universe and spirit.

Here’s the thing…thinking that way can drive you completely insane too.  What is the universe trying to tell me with this weird shaped cloud I keep seeing?  Gah!

The best way I have found to handle these kind of…how shall I say…questions for God, is to first relax.  Freaking out over figuring out whether a series of events is a coincidence or seeming coincidence with deep meaning will never help.  Never!  Relax and take care first.

Following that, just be open to inner wisdom that may or may not come to you.  It’s as easy as that.  I’ll let you know if I find any wisdom about it…besides to be more careful getting in the car of course.  Ha!

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Keep them Safe… But Test Wing Strength

Momma Bird Protecting two chicks

A day or so after my daughter was born, hubbie and I realized the hospital was going to send us home with this newborn child.  Oh crap…they are letting us take this baby home?!  We have no idea what we are doing!

However, it’s pretty easy to keep them safe when they are little.  Our instincts just kind of kick in.

Soon after bringing our daughter home and making it through the first terrifying 24 hours, I was making some cookies while holding my baby in her sling.  Suddenly, I had this moment of seeing the future…and I could clearly visualize her dropping out of her sling and into the hot oven.  It was crystal clear and chilling.  I immediately put her down.

I also remember practicing “stop” with her when she was a bit bigger.  We lived on a relatively busy street when she was a toddler.  It took only one time of her laughing and running and not looking where she was going before we knew something had to change.  Thankfully, my husband was able to get to her and save her from the oncoming car.  But it shook us – alarmingly so – into action.  For months, we would walk around the backyard practicing: Stop!

It wasn’t that hard to keep her safe.

But now…growing up…losing control…watching them try out their wings and gauging flight readiness.  Geez – this is so much more difficult!

I choose to hold onto childhood and keep them young for as long as possible.  They have their whole lives to worry and stress out about the state of the world – why start young?  I shelter my children from:

  • the evening news
  • hateful politics
  • violent movies
  • overly dramatic television
  • social media
  • anything else I don’t think has any place in childhood

Yet, I cannot shelter them from schoolyard talk or their own changing bodies and minds.  (Well – I suppose there is always homeschooling.  Ha!  That’s so funny.)

We try our best…but sooner or later it’s time to test those wings and let them go on short flights.   Letting go can be hard, but it is good to know that those wings work when they really leave the nest.

The parent-child relationship is the only one that is supposed to change from intimate closeness to separation.  It breaks your heart, but it’s supposed to.  You’re doing a good job if they are beginning to feel independent.  Keep them safe, but test their wing strength often.  Hugs!

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Breathing

Breathing slowly and deeply is my go-to, calm-down-fast strategy.  The physiological benefits of this are tested and true.  Breathing slows your heart and brings you back into your body.

“After I cough, I can’t get any air momma.  I’m breathing but no air comes in.”  said to me in the middle of the night last night by my oldest.  She has asthma.

There is no history of asthma on either side of our family.  I breastfed this child for 18 months.  It makes no sense that she has this…but she does.

When it gets bad, she can’t breathe and neither can I.

I can’t explain it, but my “take care of this” brain kicks in and I keep going.  Yes, I’m running on fumes, but I refuse to lose my baby.  I mean – hello?  I must:

  • Stay up.
  •  Stay on top of everything.
  • Stay focused.
  • Stay diligent.

About two hours ago, I realized that I had not stopped to breathe in over 12 hours.  She is so much better today, and I can now.  So I stopped and I attempted to slow down and breathe.  But it still hurts, and I think it always will.  It just gets a little easier to deal with as it moves farther away…kind of like every other pain in life.

We just do the best we can, and that’s just fine.  Love to you as your pain gets farther away.

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Missing Joy – Changing Focus

Male Bluebird on a deck rail

Our bluebirds have disappeared.  After 4 years of trying to attract a pair to our yard, this year two beauties came and built a nest in one of our birdhouses.

For two months, I have been standing at my backdoor, looking outside, and smiling at these two bluebirds.

About a week ago, I noticed they were gone.  Since then, I have been standing at my backdoor, looking outside, feeling sad, and worrying that something happened to them.

Bluebirds are vulnerable to house sparrow attacks.  In fact, it is common for house sparrows to kill bluebird babies and parents, and then build their new nests on top of the dead birds.  They are vile creatures, and they are the reason we have a pellet gun in our home.

I don’t know what happened.  I haven’t opened the birdbox yet to see if there are eggs inside…not yet.

The bluebirds are gone, and I am missing some joy.

 Monarch Butterfly on Flower

It’s funny how we do this…isn’t it?  There are beautiful birds and butterflies flitting about.  Flowers are blooming.  Beauty is all around me in my own backyard, and I choose to focus on missing the bluebirds.

My children are happy, healthy, full of life and excitement, and sometimes I choose to focus on how they struggle in certain academics.

I have wonderful, close friends all over the world, and I choose to focus on those who have recently fallen away.

The answer is not to feel bad about it, but to notice it.  So true in all things.  Just notice and adjust your focus.  Bring your attention to what is now.

Namaste.

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Holes that cannot be filled

My husband has been calling me “beautiful” more often that he used to for a few months now.

When he says these kind words, I stop.  I breathe.  I feel them sinking down into a very, very deep hole somewhere inside.  I’m not sure this hole can really ever be filled.  It feels very deep.

But, it’s nice to stop and let some love go there.  I don’t think it’s a place that I pay much attention to very often.

It would be easy to brush it aside and not let it sink in.   We are conditioned to do this.

Try my way for a week or so and tell me if it helps.  I think it will.

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Evidence of Problematic Mothering Panic

 lilac

The lilacs are blooming, it’s raining, and it’s spring picture day at my daughter’s school.

For some reason, my children’s elementary schools take pictures both in the spring and the fall.  I believe it has something to do with making money for the PTO, but I’m not quite sure.

So, she’s getting ready this morning and I comment that perhaps a different top might be a better choice.  (I haven’t purchased the spring pictures in 4 years – what am I even thinking?)

She changes into a different one.  I mention that she looks beautiful and also that she needs to take care of the guinea pigs before finishing her extra credit project.  No big deal.

15 minutes later, she comes downstairs in a different top.  It’s actually much cuter.  I say something like – oh do you like this one better?  She replies with yes and proceeds to finish up her project.

I retreat into my bedroom and catch up on some of my physical therapy exercises that I haven’t done in three weeks.

I finish, change out of my pajamas, and holler up the stairs that the kids should all get their shoes on.  Time to go and such.

She appears at the top of the stairs in the second top of the day.  “Why did you change honey?” I ask.   “Oh, well I thought since you liked this one that you wanted me to wear it.” she replies

“Why did you think that?” I ask – head beginning to spin.

“Well because you said you liked it and so I thought that meant you wanted me to wear it.”  She is choking back tears now.

I can no longer feel any part of my body.  It is all over for me.

“My darling, wear the shirt you like.  Don’t worry – it’s your picture!”

“But I thought you wanted me to wear this one.”

“No, I don’t care.”  Oh – I should have stopped here.  Really, really I should have just shut my mouth.  But, I did not…sadly.

Inside my head, I am screaming at myself that I am Joan Crawford.  How can I be this way?  Why is she so timid and afraid?  What have I done wrong?  Oh no – Oh no – Oh no!  It’s evidence plain and simple that I am a terrible mother raising a child that is timid and afraid of her own mother.  Gah!!  Is there anything worse?  No!!!  There is not.  Fail – Fail – Fail!!!!

“Wear what you want to wear!  Don’t worry about what I think!  You decide!  Be strong!  Be decisive!  Wear the shirt you like!!”   I shout as more fear comes across her face and she chokes back – okay – sorry – okay.

I love it how at that moment yelling at her to be strong seemed like a good plan.  Oye!  What was I thinking?

I was not thinking of course.  I was reacting from my own place of fear.

We all have these momma melt downs and generally walk around carrying shame about them.

Time to repair what I can.  It’s all I can do.  Gentleness is the way, and it starts with being gentle on myself.  The only, only way I am able to do this is because I know – from research and from experience – that holding onto the shame makes it harder to change.  Holding onto shame makes us think that we are bad, instead of that we were acting poorly.  It’s a profound difference.

I am so sorry dear girl.  I love you so much.   Momma will try harder to shut the fuck up when the feelings of mothering inadequacy come up.  They are for me to deal with – not you.

It can be so hard – don’t you think?

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    Hi! I’m Elise, Chief Peaceful Momma and Owner of Peaceful Mommas Inc.


    I'm a mom of two, a wife, a Soul Coach, a Feng Shui lady, and an Everyday Peace expert. It would bring me such joy if I knew that today you were nice to yourself. It can be tricky, but with practice it gets easier.

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